Be the Person in your Dreams – Transformative Self Portrait

Since leaving college due to a breakdown in my mental health late last year, I’ve been scared to paint.

As an artist, that’s a difficult thing to admit; but every time I would begin my ritual, choosing a journal or surface and laying out materials I would be flooded with overwhelming worry thoughts; self-doubt, defeat, and hopelessness rendered me incapable of even beginning to create. And the few things I could paint/draw, I doubted myself too much to put what I had made out there.

Then in the last 3 months, something changed.
With my energy levels at rock bottom, desperately trying to keep a basic level of self-care going using the please skills, I became acutely aware that something was missing; The  overwhelming urge to create came rushing back and suddenly I couldn’t keep it contained anymore.  (This may be partially attributed to watching a marathon of Tim Kring’s Heroes,and getting slightly obsessed with a character who can paint the future, but that’s another story!)

While trying to fill my creating craving I stumbled across a fantastic artist whose work sings to my little mixed media heart. Her name is Tamara Laporte.

What’s even better, is that Tam runs online courses teaching mixed media techniques, tips for creating characters and healing through art. (Where do I sign up…!?!)

So, this week, I joined Tam’s whimsical community and started one of her free courses; Art, Heart and Healing.

The course comes in 4 parts (usually meant to be 4 weeks, but the benefit of online courses is you can study at your own pace) and the first week involved using our own negative thoughts and judgements to create a transformative self-portrait. At this time, It couldn’t have been more relevant.

The first layer of my painting was created by writing and scribbling down all the negative thoughts I have about myself, and any judgements I noticed.

My first layer read something like this:

“Ill never be any good, no matter how hard I try I just can’t do anything right, Ill never be more than what ……………….. thinks of me, Ill never achieve anything, nobody will ever appreciate my art, I may aswell give up now as ill never be anything more than a FUCK UP!”

When it came to the next step, I was not as well-practiced at accepting and forgiving my negative thoughts does not come as naturally as having them. However, Tam made this simpler by asking us a poignant question: what are the intentions behind your thoughts? Negative thoughts and emotions usually have a purpose, an intention: to warn us of danger, guide us to seek comfort etc.

No matter the intention, worry thoughts and negativity are an unhealthy self-defeating way of communicating with ourself. They negate our basic needs and degrade our self-esteem, leaving us incapable of self belief.

But there is a healthier way.

By reframing my judgements, I could see the kind intention behind my negative thoughts; A driving urge to be something more, a niggling voice that says do better, a burning motivation to change into the person I want to become.

The next few layers of my journal simply flowed from this point; painting over and hiding my negative thoughts with thick white acrylic was a strangely meditative practice; erasing them, wiping the slate clean of all my judgements allowed me to physically let them go before creating a positive motivating message in their place.

Layers of conte crayon, acrylic paint , music paper, stamping, collage, ink and graphite were slowly built up to create a grungy looking journal spread featuring a representative self-portrait. You can see my journal piece below.

“You can be the person in your dreams”- Mixed Media Journal

As both an artist and seeker of recovery: I would highly recommend Tam’s classes to any artists looking for techniques and tips, and people on any stage of their recovery journey.

You can find more about Tamara Laporte on her website.

Go now, and build your dreams ❤